Thursday, June 28, 2007

Transcend into my world…

I cannot sit still for the life of me
My mind is wandering through the abyss
My thoughts seem like nothingness then evolve into the definite
I’m going back to my invulnerable status
I like the comfort it awards and esp. what it keeps me from
There is an almost virtual imbalance of my being
My mind is pre-occupied
My body is cowering
My spirit feels dead
I’m horny
I can’t eat…I gag at the thought of food
I’m not sleeping either, but that’s not news
My world has never been this way before
What gives?
I need to continue to be still
How long can one be still for the unknown?
I have the patience of Job
Anything you can do I can do Mister
It is SO ON!!!
And boy did I say I was horny
The heat doesn’t help with that either
I don’t know I just know that I need to unleash and get liberated
More power to the unleasher
This one time in band camp he dared to touch…
The evocative memory…bliss!


Monday, June 25, 2007

Mine eyes have seen things...

Much to my protesting I found myself at some gay-pride "activities" this weekend. Oh my...
All I can say is guys you would have thoroughly enjoyed girl on girl action. And gals, the bods...uwiiiiiii!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Morbidity of sorts…

So my friends and I normally have these silly exchanges…calling first dibs on each others possessions should the demise of said individual happen. Today dibs were called on my shot glasses, bracelets, music, books and candles by her because she has the spare key to my apt, she can come and pick up the ‘dibbed’ before calling the cops or whoever about my passing. Ok I know, not funny but think about it these are material things that I don’t want to be buried with….ok maybe our sense of humor is far left or whatever. Also, what better people to have my stuff than those with whom I’ve shared laughs and oh so much more with. I told her on a serious that, if she did that, I think I’d come back to haunt her just for the heck of it…to keep the laughs going, right. She’ll arrange dibbed candles for a nice relaxing bath and just when she’d least expect it, in sweeps in my ghost, lights candles and elevates em, doing some synchronizing moves. And theeeeeeeeeen and then when she goes to sleep I can deejay for her. Ok I’m done with that.

Do you guys have a living will? I’ve been saying I’ll put one together for years now. I actually did years ago but for some reason never got to print and or sign it. I need to do this. If I died out of Kenya, I’d like to be cremated and have my remains sent to my family. Ok I’m done with the morose! Word to the wise…keep a living will…


Friday, June 15, 2007

Speaking from my heart/hurt...

I used to think that I was incapable of falling in love or being loved because past experiences taught me these untruths. I’m the most confident person I know and still I had to re-condition my being on these almost loathsome thoughts.
One day we locked eyes and that is all she wrote. I unconsciously denied it for so long because I strongly believed that being in love is a choice and I had chosen not to delve into this mystic world just to save my soul from future heartache. Little did I know that I was already in too deep. I had fallen hook, line and sinker and if that wasn’t enough I slowly (unconsciously) started readjusting my thoughts and convictions to be in synch with his. He had always compromised much to be with me and readjusted and embraced me and boy was I stubborn. He loves me so, this I know without a shadow of doubt. Did I reciprocate the love? No…too stubborn or scared to admit this emotion and embrace it for what it was. We had fun though and he was my best friend of sorts. I shared my deepest thoughts with him and we embraced each others faults, challenges, dreams and aspirations…he was my rock, my pillar and I his. I didn’t know that being adamant about my thoughts and convictions gave him ammunition to use against me when he finally decided to switch me off.
Days, weeks, months, years later the foreign feeling falls into my laps. I’m lost and don’t know what to do so I call him. My goodness how times and emotions and feelings and pledges change! He decided to move on. What am I supposed to do with this feeling? I can’t replace the person nor the emotion and I don’t want to. I cannot and will not allow myself to wallow in this for too long because then I give it life and then I’ll be grasping for air. My head is whirling and for the first time in my life I feel like I don’t have control over my mind, body or soul…my thoughts are plummeting into the what if paradise. I feel like a dream was sold me and now I’ve to erase all the memories and oh so much more that went on. I can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this mess. I must like drama, how else would one explain the inconsistency in my behavior?
Maybe this is all a ruse and I’ll wake up tomorrow and all will be back to ordinary. I don’t even know what’s ordinary anymore!
Or better still I could use an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind kinda erasure….anyone know anyone who can hook this up?


Monday, June 11, 2007

Take a moment for Kenya...

Stop whatever it is you are doing at noon today(and the rest of the week)and offer 2 minutes of silence, prayer, meditation, reflection, be still, connect with your God/Creator for Peace, Stability and especially for the end of senseless innocent killings in Kenya!!!


Friday, June 08, 2007

Is this the bloodbath Kenya needs...

MAN I am beyond angry at the entire goings on with the wanton Mungiki lot. I think we need the press coverage...good or bad, and in as much as it embarrasses most it's about time we stop wanting others to create rosy pictures of what is not the case as the innocent continue to suffer immeasurably. What gives? I oft wonder/ask what it will take for KENYANS to make our government accountable. They go to parliament, sleep the day away and ride off into the sunset while the regular Joe is left suffering….nothing changes!!! The divide is pleasing to the untouchables but the very people who elect them in the very positions are treated like shit…what gives?!
We need to stand up and be counted and stick up for our brothers. I know I can talk till I'm blue in the face and probably don't know what those on the ground are going through but its bloody time for this MADNESS to stop!
Bitter truth is though, most of us will create uproar, meekly shake our fists, throw words about and then what…all this will fizzle off and we’ll be back to ‘life.’


Monday, June 04, 2007

I'm a work in progress...

I’ve learned that life is too short and a constant metamorphosis
I’ve learned that ones quality of life determines the length and fulfillment of ones life-span
I’ve learned that we should not take each other for granted
I’ve further learned that in not taking each other for granted we should be transparent and accommodating especially to those with whom we have relationships, friendships, our kin…
I’ve learned that given that we are all human there are basic elements that we all share across gender, race or any other lines that we have drawn and these should make us act in a civil manner toward each other
I’ve learned that treating everyone as a unique being gives more rotund relationships

I’ve learned to stop saving my fave candles or my bath salts for even though they may not expire, I one day will
I’ve learned to say “I love you” to those whom I love

I’ve learned not to give a care about what others think of my physical image
I’ve learned that in so doing I redirect that energy in the more intrinsic things in life
I’ve learned that material things oft times seek to replace an emotional void
I’m thus trying to learn not to indulge in the tangible when I feel this void

I’m learning that it is ok to cry…this is a tough one for me and I’m learning to erase my preconceived notions about crying and the stigma that lays within my being for the ‘weakness’
I’m learning that even though some of my convictions may be well thought out and executed, I still have a lot to learn in the world and I should let my hair down more often
I’m learning that it is ok to be seen as weak for it may save one from apparent cynicism
I’m learning to stop over-thinking/analyzing life situations

I’ve learned that music makes my being bounce
I’ve learned that dancing frees my soul and gives me less creaks
I’ve learned that laughing is a major key to my happiness
I’ve learned that laughing makes my soul sing and this resonates my vibe to those with whom I interact
I’ve learned that the art of love making is more profound than the meshing of two units but rather a spiritual almost psychedelic connection between souls

I’m learning to listen to my gut
I’m learning to be a well rounded being
I’m learning to synergize my mind, body, spirit for the greater good of the world that surround me
I’m learning to not deny myself of some devine edibles that those theys have deemed unhealthy in the name of maintaining a size zero image

I’ve always known that I’m a child at heart
I’ve always known that my innocence and or naivety make me more aware of those around me and I’m thus able to empathize in paramount ways

I learnt way back when that no matter ones intellectual capacities or street-‘wisdom’, one is never done learning
I’ve thus learned to be open to acquiring knowledge from all facets of life
I've learned that it's ok to say you don't know and even better to say "I was wrong" or "I am sorry"

And today the most painful/hurtful thing that I’ve learned is letting go of my friend
I've learned that there is a thin line between love and hate and if this lost friendship is not a testament then I stand corrected
I've learned and have always known that hate is too strong an emotion that I do not care to be engaged in
I’m learning that even though I thought that this was a lifetime friendship that sometimes things change and I have to be ready to grasp the changes and roll with them
I’ve learned that though my soul will throb with hurt, deceit, disappointment, confusion, and loss I will rise and one day embrace this experience as a lesson learnt


Friday, June 01, 2007

One Love...

This song came to mind early this morn..."Black, White, Red and Green colours of the flag now as seen. Reminding us of what has been and in the future what has to be seen."
I've known the colours of the flag to represent...
White...Peace and unity
Red...Blood shed for our freedom
My curiosity led me to Google meaning of flag and this is the general consensus...
White – peace and honesty
Red – hardiness, bravery, strength & valour
Green – hope, joy and love and in many cultures have a sacred significance
Black - Black majority & Determination

It is thus my prayer/hope that today and for the rest of my life, I aspire to protect my right as a Kenyan and uphold the true meaning of the fight for my freedom! And further to treat my right as a privilege thus honouring the land that embraced and provided sustenance for my existence.

Have a safe Madaraka Day!!!