She’s Just Not That Into You…

He said I hurt him I said I told you so…I refuse to be subjected to the reverse psychology bollocks...ok not submit but understand that I hurt him when I never told him I liked him.

I’ve been friends with said dude for over 10years on and off but we finally reunited about two years ago and we’ve been almost inseparable. We talk about anything and everything and we can sleep on the same bed and wake up with not so much as the other crossing the boundary. I’ve as much respect for him as I felt he had for me. Problem is though he really really really likes me, love he calls it.

I never played games with him. Always told him that he’s a good friend but he seemed to have this sense of ‘one day she’ll become undone.’ I never did. I’m not attracted to him in any bit. I’m however extremely close to him and we’ve shared the most intimate ups and downs in life. He’s been there for me in situations that I’d never ask another to be in and likewise. For crying out loud I’ve allowed him to see my cry, something I’m not in the habit of letting others see 1) because I don’t cry and 2) because ‘big girls don’t cry. So, what I don’t get is how all this can be reduced to…you hurt me I need time out and he proceeds to not calling to say good morning or checking how my day is going or sharing a silly joke or calling to say good night...our last conversation was succinct!

I must admit that at the beginning I was thrilled by the attention and even the gifts he bestowed on me. However, after a short while I got bored with that and politely asked that he stop the showering, which he did. Wouldn’t that be clue number one. I felt like I was leading him on by accepting the gifts and yet not putting up or feeling the same as he was.

I love you but not like you love me I’d find myself constantly saying. I never wanted for our friendship to be superficial or made out of pretenses and I appreciated that we were honest with each other enough to understand that on the love thing we were not on the same page.

Now I’m left with one less friend…a bitter pill to swallow for me because 1) I cherish my friends and 2) in my heart he was a true friend. Now I’m left questioning our friendship. Was it all a ploy…get her to fall in love with you and she’ll be forever yours! My heart is gashed man…I will however learn to let go off this one though.

I hate to think that I’m capable of hurting another being. I really believe that I’m a really nice genuine being and that my essence exudes of positive energy…to think that I’ve actually caused one to hurt is unfathomable.

Ok so now this is my self-psychoanalysis:
I’ve been in the same situation. Was head over heels about a guy and I thought I’d simply die if we didn’t exist as one. Then one day he told me he doesn’t feel the same and we don’t want the same things and I was hmmmmmmm gashed to pieces. I didn’t let on though. I rather held my head up and continued to interact with him, to date, might I add. The feelings ebbed away alright but that didn’t take away from our friendship.
I think I’m trying to impose my coping mechanisms on him. Just because I seemingly handled myself well when faced with a similar situation I subconsciously believed that he should have and now I’m plagued with guilt…no guilt here. I still care for him and wonder how he’s doing but I can’t know because he won’t bloody call me…oh well…
The quagmire of life…

Pay It Forward…

One of my fave movies ever, apart from Sound of Music, is Pay It Forward. The blatant effortlessness of blessing another by simple random acts of kindness leaves me feeling tingly. The notion has been tugging at my heart probably since I watched an Oprah show late last year when she gave the audience $1000 each, with explicit instructions that they were to go forth and bless another with the given money.

The concept is absolutely 2DIE4 in my mind…I’ve been toying with the idea of following suit on this venture. Not with as much magnitude as she did, but doing a few single acts of kindness for unsuspecting individuals. I’m going to challenge myself to randomly:
select at an old peoples home and spend an entire day doing some volunteer work
pay a utility bill for someone in need
go to a childrens’ home and read to them or hold a baby

At the prospect of not over-doing it (if that is even a possibility) I will stop the list where it is at with the possibility of adding to it at a later time!

Why am I making this ‘public?’ Well, because I feel that this is a great concept that many need not only know about, but be inspired by. Humanity deserves a chance at life and the myriad of blessings that we each can impose upon it…simply stupendous!

To clande or not to clande…

Do men and women have different notions about clandes? Was up till the wee hours of the night trying to console a friend who claims she’s in love with her clande. This irks me to the bone because this is the second night that I’ve had to console and listen to rationalizations and ‘insanity.’ Ok, maybe I’m being a tad insensitive and harsh here but I simply don’t get it or maybe refuse to.

Not to put her business out there but she’s had an on and off thing with dude for a while now and the feelings are starting to settle in and she’s gotten comfortable with that arrangement. Too comfy if you ask me because she’s apparently fallen in love. WTF! Why do people constantly do this to themselves? You know beyond reasonable doubt that when you got into the arrangement that’s what it was. Simply put an, arrangement based on agreement to indulge in a clande aka clandestine aka (as Webster and the Thesaurus greats assert) “Kept Secret for a purpose; surreptitious; furtive; undercover”
In my humble of opinion, clandes:
are that…nothing more nothing less
an agreement between two people
an exciting secret (for lack of a better word) and thus not to be told to your best friend or any other living being
a mutuality that involves the catching of strokes, SAFELY, might I add
a commitment free endeavor
If s/he wanted you to be of significance in their lives you wouldn’t be a secret
It is further of my opinion that both parties should:
first and foremost maintain mutual respect
not be in an outside relationship(i.e. have significant other, wife, boy/girlfriend) or it becomes confusing and messy
have clear awareness of what the situation involves i.e. be on the same page
not be emotionally involved with each other so much so that it hinders the essence of the agreement
inform the other party should any of the above change
and please please, do not get into the arrangement with the hope of one day sweeping the other party off their feet

I’ve been intrigued by this phenomena for a while actually. It intrigues me that two able bodied beings can decide - ok this is what I feel about you and this is as far as I’m ready to be involved with you. It is a rather intriguing affair given the level of detachment and yet physical enjoyment that awards one to hmmmm, have his/her cake and eat it. I feel that for one to be involved in such an agreement one has to have a great sense of confidence and or security and especially be non-judgmental…you do you because it makes you happy. If the arrangement ceases to work for you let the other party know, find closure and move along swiftly.

My intrigue has led me to observe that women are willing and able participants in clandes. Often though, men are in disbelief if the notion is brought on by a woman and almost become paralyzed and boggled with “oh my goodness, she’s actually serious about this. It’s too good to believe and hence there’s a catch.”

Does getting involved in a clande:
1. deem one as amoral, socially irresponsible, careless, love misanthropist, footloose and fancy free
2. diminish your character in the eyes of the other party
3. rank you up the ladder from the typical Booty Call…what’s the difference between a clande and a booty call
4. label you as loose, whorish etc
5. liberally pungent
6. degrading
7. infantile/immature
8. religiously/spiritually inadequate or incompetent
9. simply human?

The above illustrates some of life’s questions that have caused me many a sleepless night.

Of the soul and more...

Is the soul a feature that can be customized, switched on and off? Is it tangible? Can we measure its potential, desire, capability, intentions…? What is ones soul, why do we need a soul, what good does it do a body to have a soul?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in church and the minister was going on and on about how we create images of our selves and only let certain people into certain aspects of us. Most of us, he purported, have the need for recognition. We want to be remembered by somebody, anybody when we pass on for what we did. I sat there shaking my head in disagreeance, knowing that I wouldn’t careless if anyone remembered me.

Two weeks of contemplation on the subject have gone by and now I recognize that there may have been some truth in what he said. I think I choose the line of career that I choose because I want to make a difference in somebody, anybody’s life. I want to change the helpless nature of a being so that s/he aspires to be more than they would ever imagine. I don’t know if this constitutes me wanting to be remembered as so and so who did such and such, but I do recognize that in my doing of such and such, so and so may always remember me as the person who changed their lives. So maybe deep down somewhere, my being wants to be recognized…I will ponder some more on this one.

On further contemplation of the words that transpired while in church, I started to wonder what image I project to those with whom I interact. I would be labeled with a multi-personality disorder, as I believe many of us would. We oft times project varying pieces of ourselves to different people and environments. I think it is wise to do so but I may be wrong in my thinking. I for one do not want my colleagues to know certain things about me. That I may drink or can dance the night away or love to have sex or whatever the case is has nothing to do with my job performance. I therefore don’t deem it a necessity to share with those whom I work with. I think that there’s a level of being known, being understood that we all yearn for. We share bonds with those who we reckon understand us and don’t judge us but simply embrace us for who we are…unconditionally, unchanged, unretouched…

I’m off on a tangent of sorts now…but I’ve been wondering if my friends and family or those who claim to know me really know me. I’m known among family and friends as one who does not mince words and this oft times gets me in trouble. I butt heads with others because of my sometimes insensitivity in delivering information. I get extremely upset when people claim to know and understand me and ensue to offer apologies on my behalf. These are however subtleties of who I am…my essence is deeper than that or so I believe. Does this mean anything…why am I sharing that point? I know, was going somewhere with it but got lost in my verbosity. Most people know us because of what we present to them. The other thing is that people don’t tend to believe us when we tell them who we are…I wonder why!