Speaking from my heart/hurt...

I used to think that I was incapable of falling in love or being loved because past experiences taught me these untruths. I’m the most confident person I know and still I had to re-condition my being on these almost loathsome thoughts.
One day we locked eyes and that is all she wrote. I unconsciously denied it for so long because I strongly believed that being in love is a choice and I had chosen not to delve into this mystic world just to save my soul from future heartache. Little did I know that I was already in too deep. I had fallen hook, line and sinker and if that wasn’t enough I slowly (unconsciously) started readjusting my thoughts and convictions to be in synch with his. He had always compromised much to be with me and readjusted and embraced me and boy was I stubborn. He loves me so, this I know without a shadow of doubt. Did I reciprocate the love? No…too stubborn or scared to admit this emotion and embrace it for what it was. We had fun though and he was my best friend of sorts. I shared my deepest thoughts with him and we embraced each others faults, challenges, dreams and aspirations…he was my rock, my pillar and I his. I didn’t know that being adamant about my thoughts and convictions gave him ammunition to use against me when he finally decided to switch me off.
Days, weeks, months, years later the foreign feeling falls into my laps. I’m lost and don’t know what to do so I call him. My goodness how times and emotions and feelings and pledges change! He decided to move on. What am I supposed to do with this feeling? I can’t replace the person nor the emotion and I don’t want to. I cannot and will not allow myself to wallow in this for too long because then I give it life and then I’ll be grasping for air. My head is whirling and for the first time in my life I feel like I don’t have control over my mind, body or soul…my thoughts are plummeting into the what if paradise. I feel like a dream was sold me and now I’ve to erase all the memories and oh so much more that went on. I can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this mess. I must like drama, how else would one explain the inconsistency in my behavior?
Maybe this is all a ruse and I’ll wake up tomorrow and all will be back to ordinary. I don’t even know what’s ordinary anymore!
Or better still I could use an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind kinda erasure….anyone know anyone who can hook this up?