Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I know it’s been a while since I was here but I needed to find an avenue to vent and still remaining anonymous lol….I know that’s relative.
Anyhoo, so a lot has been going on in my life. I finally admitted that I was in love with him and we are now one. We were pregnant and it was the best feeling for four months. The morning sickness ALL DAY was a little price to pay for the prospect of the being to come and I was utterly and totally glowing in that moment. There were a few incidences throughout the pregnancy that my Dr. managed to convince me were ‘nothing to worry about.’ And after seeking a second and a third opinion I was totally convinced and embraced every waking day with its challenge(s). It was BLISS.
One day I woke up with a sharp unrelenting pain and knew in my heart of hearts that this was the day that I would be forced to say goodbye to my munchkin. I was calm through the process and the storm passed over, leaving plenty of damage…nothing visible to the untrained eye.
The healing begun and is on-going. I was fortunate to be with family and the support was mind blowing. This came to an end and I was forced to sit alone with my feelings and deal. Tough pill to swallow! Each day is a challenge, uniquely so. I dread text messages or phone calls from people who are just now finding out, almost two months after the fact. I can be having a normal happy day and one of those infiltrates my atmosphere…completely shuttering what I have worked so hard to consciously achieve in a day. I am learning not to be angry with people and not to blame and to allow myself to embrace each and every emotion that this loss elicits within me.
In my learning I have baffling questions and concerns about human nature. I don’t understand some of the comments floating around. I refuse to understand the zeal that people have in spreading news about what happened to me. I also refuse to accommodate the negative comments that some have expressed. I weep for myself a lot lately….along with that my soul weeps for human nature.
I want to comprehend relational matters. How is it that friends choose to stay away, or worse still not talk about my miscarriage with me. Has society made it ok for the grapevine to be the source of comprehension? I will eventually get over friendships and learn to draw from within. Is this what life is meant to be…leave you alone when you are at your lowest.
Thank God for family!