She’s Just Not That Into You…

He said I hurt him I said I told you so…I refuse to be subjected to the reverse psychology bollocks...ok not submit but understand that I hurt him when I never told him I liked him.

I’ve been friends with said dude for over 10years on and off but we finally reunited about two years ago and we’ve been almost inseparable. We talk about anything and everything and we can sleep on the same bed and wake up with not so much as the other crossing the boundary. I’ve as much respect for him as I felt he had for me. Problem is though he really really really likes me, love he calls it.

I never played games with him. Always told him that he’s a good friend but he seemed to have this sense of ‘one day she’ll become undone.’ I never did. I’m not attracted to him in any bit. I’m however extremely close to him and we’ve shared the most intimate ups and downs in life. He’s been there for me in situations that I’d never ask another to be in and likewise. For crying out loud I’ve allowed him to see my cry, something I’m not in the habit of letting others see 1) because I don’t cry and 2) because ‘big girls don’t cry. So, what I don’t get is how all this can be reduced to…you hurt me I need time out and he proceeds to not calling to say good morning or checking how my day is going or sharing a silly joke or calling to say good night...our last conversation was succinct!

I must admit that at the beginning I was thrilled by the attention and even the gifts he bestowed on me. However, after a short while I got bored with that and politely asked that he stop the showering, which he did. Wouldn’t that be clue number one. I felt like I was leading him on by accepting the gifts and yet not putting up or feeling the same as he was.

I love you but not like you love me I’d find myself constantly saying. I never wanted for our friendship to be superficial or made out of pretenses and I appreciated that we were honest with each other enough to understand that on the love thing we were not on the same page.

Now I’m left with one less friend…a bitter pill to swallow for me because 1) I cherish my friends and 2) in my heart he was a true friend. Now I’m left questioning our friendship. Was it all a ploy…get her to fall in love with you and she’ll be forever yours! My heart is gashed man…I will however learn to let go off this one though.

I hate to think that I’m capable of hurting another being. I really believe that I’m a really nice genuine being and that my essence exudes of positive energy…to think that I’ve actually caused one to hurt is unfathomable.

Ok so now this is my self-psychoanalysis:
I’ve been in the same situation. Was head over heels about a guy and I thought I’d simply die if we didn’t exist as one. Then one day he told me he doesn’t feel the same and we don’t want the same things and I was hmmmmmmm gashed to pieces. I didn’t let on though. I rather held my head up and continued to interact with him, to date, might I add. The feelings ebbed away alright but that didn’t take away from our friendship.
I think I’m trying to impose my coping mechanisms on him. Just because I seemingly handled myself well when faced with a similar situation I subconsciously believed that he should have and now I’m plagued with guilt…no guilt here. I still care for him and wonder how he’s doing but I can’t know because he won’t bloody call me…oh well…
The quagmire of life…