To clande or not to clande…
Do men and women have different notions about clandes? Was up till the wee hours of the night trying to console a friend who claims she’s in love with her clande. This irks me to the bone because this is the second night that I’ve had to console and listen to rationalizations and ‘insanity.’ Ok, maybe I’m being a tad insensitive and harsh here but I simply don’t get it or maybe refuse to.
Not to put her business out there but she’s had an on and off thing with dude for a while now and the feelings are starting to settle in and she’s gotten comfortable with that arrangement. Too comfy if you ask me because she’s apparently fallen in love. WTF! Why do people constantly do this to themselves? You know beyond reasonable doubt that when you got into the arrangement that’s what it was. Simply put an, arrangement based on agreement to indulge in a clande aka clandestine aka (as Webster and the Thesaurus greats assert) “Kept Secret for a purpose; surreptitious; furtive; undercover”
In my humble of opinion, clandes:
are that…nothing more nothing less
an agreement between two people
an exciting secret (for lack of a better word) and thus not to be told to your best friend or any other living being
a mutuality that involves the catching of strokes, SAFELY, might I add
a commitment free endeavor
If s/he wanted you to be of significance in their lives you wouldn’t be a secret
It is further of my opinion that both parties should:
first and foremost maintain mutual respect
not be in an outside relationship(i.e. have significant other, wife, boy/girlfriend) or it becomes confusing and messy
have clear awareness of what the situation involves i.e. be on the same page
not be emotionally involved with each other so much so that it hinders the essence of the agreement
inform the other party should any of the above change
and please please, do not get into the arrangement with the hope of one day sweeping the other party off their feet
I’ve been intrigued by this phenomena for a while actually. It intrigues me that two able bodied beings can decide - ok this is what I feel about you and this is as far as I’m ready to be involved with you. It is a rather intriguing affair given the level of detachment and yet physical enjoyment that awards one to hmmmm, have his/her cake and eat it. I feel that for one to be involved in such an agreement one has to have a great sense of confidence and or security and especially be non-judgmental…you do you because it makes you happy. If the arrangement ceases to work for you let the other party know, find closure and move along swiftly.
My intrigue has led me to observe that women are willing and able participants in clandes. Often though, men are in disbelief if the notion is brought on by a woman and almost become paralyzed and boggled with “oh my goodness, she’s actually serious about this. It’s too good to believe and hence there’s a catch.”
Does getting involved in a clande:
1. deem one as amoral, socially irresponsible, careless, love misanthropist, footloose and fancy free
2. diminish your character in the eyes of the other party
3. rank you up the ladder from the typical Booty Call…what’s the difference between a clande and a booty call
4. label you as loose, whorish etc
5. liberally pungent
6. degrading
7. infantile/immature
8. religiously/spiritually inadequate or incompetent
9. simply human?
The above illustrates some of life’s questions that have caused me many a sleepless night.
posted by Quintessence @ 11:33 AM
18 Comments:
first off don't loose any sleep on this, instead you should be participating in your own clandes lol.
clandes shouldn't make chics be deemed slutty though a good one shouldn't be known by the public
i think a good clande is when both parties are emotionally engaged elsewhere otherwise emotions will come in and ruin the arrangement.
Hmm, interesting. There's a certain trait that comes with being clande; I think people underestimate how hard it is for this type of relationship, dare I say even harder than the conventional relationship? I think so. Clande's need to be disciplined, the best comparisson is to a drug dealer who has to be disciplined enough not to take drugs he sells (sorry but that's the best I could come up with):). For jamaaz, this is the best type of relationship although it gets old fast. No vested interest in the other party and the option to look bila having to explain your actions? Tell me who wouldn't take the deal.
I second Magaidi. For a clande to work their must be an implicit understanding plus both parties must know the rules and what they are in it for. Once people feel emotions kicking in, it is time to let go and move on!
Understanding of the nature of the 'arrangement' since it is just that, it is not a relationship, though the clause about not having a lad, chick etc is crossed out in some cases. I agree with Aco and Magaidi on the discipline thing, it can get so addictive it hinders your efforts to search for a proper non clande mate. A very introspective look here. Dont sweat it. What comes to your mind at first bat is what you think of it. Secrecy is the biggest aspect, period.
@all...hey guys, appreciate your comments...my mind is oft bogged by some of lifes' intricacies and this has been one that's rented space for a while now. Men and women are truly different creations and often hearing the others' view helps clarify matters and thus have a better understanding. All that to say ta for comments and I will heed your words!
Women need to understand and explicitly so, that long term clandestine shenanigans with men just don’t work……They might work for men (because lets face it, they are from Mars ) ……I know….I know….I know that is a broad generalization but lets call a spade a spade……Sooner rather than later, what started as a simple and straightforward clandestine affair becomes fraught with emotion and melodrama. With each passing day and each passing clande, it becomes more difficult to break away, boundaries are stepped over and self esteems are eaten away…..in the end, it becomes a painful mess with the lady crying on her best friend’s shoulder…
Clandestine r/ships shld be a no go zone for pple who r looking for a partner coz they will easily fall in love or think they are in love.
This is a top notch secrecy issue that shld not be used for ulterior motives or something of the sort.
PPle gettin into the clande r/ship shld hv an understanding of the level they want it 2 go 2 b4 sme1 is hurt in the process.
Interesting discussion we have here...
Anyway in any kind of arrangement/union there needs be maximum understandind & Respect! That's all dat matters
@dorothy…ta for stopping by. I hear you but rather disagree with the ‘gender bias’ I know many women who are willing and capable and who have actually clandes through the years
@unyc…totally agree with your point of view
@klara…you are oh so right!
I have never been involved in such an arrangement...I don't know why anyone would settle for something like this!!
@princess...different strokes for different folks...some do it for the spice of life!
I was asked to participate in a clande and i was disgusted that this guy could dare ask me for that. I mean WTH??!!!
My days of having care-free sex with no care in the world are waaay long gone.
Nowadays, you just can't trust anyone's word about their health status.
Oh and don't be fooled, even in a well-discussed clande, one party does end up catching feeling for the other. It's never feelings-free in the long run...and i should know!!
@kelitu...ta for stopping by...I hear ya and think I'd be offended as well. On the same token though, I will not knock down those who consciously choose to participate in it...
there's something irresistible and thrilling about it ... but only if that move is pulled on you ...
even though I'm a responding late, this was a good one. Clandes don't work period. I ponder the same questions you do but I guess overall its simply human. I don't think it's always conscious..meaning a well thought out plan. Clandes I think almost always involve some feelings but people are in denial or don't want/not in a place to pursue a real relationship.
@mwangi...hmmm, i guess there would be...it seems almost surreal!
@shiz...welcome to my world and ta for stopping by. I hear you, though I'm strongly convinced that a clande can work for two like minded ppl...
I'm glad to read all the different views on clandes.
A lot of people are involved in them coz they do work. I don't think it makes a person amoral or whorish. It's safer to be involved with one person who's known and trustworthy. It's convenient coz it doesn't require all the time and commitment of a regular relationship.But, I think it can only be a temporary thing coz one person will likely develop stronger feelings and want to take it to the next level--which breaks the rules. I've become more open-minded on this issue coz I know some committed couples who first got together through a clande. Perhaps they're an exception.
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