Why do I feel like time is running out on me…?

I think that I am now ready to have my child. I know I know…
For some reason I feel settled. HAHAHA funny coz I’m not actively dating, whatever that entails, or in a serious relationship, wait a little moment of disillusionment - I’m not in a relationship with anyone period!

So I graduate on Monday, yippeeeeeeeeee...it’s been a loooooooooong time coming. I am NOT marching and most of my friends don’t understand that I don’t care to. I LOATHE attention and can’t imagine folk whooping and hollering, one even threatened to carry a blow-horn and make a field day of it when my name is called. SUCCESS!!! With this milestone, I feel like I’ve duly achieved the right to have a child. My excuse was always that I could not afford the time to plunge into this. Now that the internships, exams, papers and much dreaded presentations are out of the way I can a) go to the sperm bank b)convince one of my male friends to indulge c) stop running away from Mr. Man and plunge into a committed relationship with him…NOT.

I like option b the best and actually asked a friend about it on Tuesday. He initially thought I was joking. Don’t know why because we’ve had this conversation enough times. We talked for about 45mins, me thinking that we are on the same page after he had stopped picking on me and joking about it. Then bye bye smooches yadda and we hang-up only for him to call me back after a few minutes sounding extremely somber. Baritone enters in “hey, were you really serious about what we were talking about” Sexy me “yes, but of course my stance is still no pressure.” I don’t know. Sometimes I tend to share intimate stuff with so called friends and they don’t take me seriously or don’t believe me. I think I’m an open book and don’t have time for games or secrets, granted sometimes both are necessary depending on who’s boat is being rocked.

I totally understand his non-committal on this issue and even respect it. So I’m moving on to specimen B. I don’t do well with deceit thus as I told specimen A, I will let B know that I selfishly don’t want him to feel obligated to me or the earthling-to-be. I really am of the strong conviction that I can do this alone and don’t need any commitment financial or otherwise on the specimens’ part. I know harsh. One may wonder why I won’t opt for sperm bank. I’ve actually considered the pros n cons on this and have had heated discussions with a significant female in my life and she is of the opinion that on this matter I’m bluffing and more so an oaf. She’s entitled to her opinion.

I may not be articulating my take on the having a baby thing in these written words, but its not as simple or incognizant or unthought-of…it’s a well deliberated, even elaborate plan. Maybe not human, according to many peoples standards or morals but it sits well with me. I understand that a child is not a toy to fill the void of whatever life has inhibited me or that I’ve allowed myself to be denied or my cards/stars simply haven’t drawn thus far. I understand that I’d be making a huge sacrifice to bring this being into the world and further that I can’t switch off from him/her. I would solely be responsible for the being. I would have to think about the being before any comforts of mine. It’s a sacrifice that I’m at peace with rewarding myself!