My mind’s discombobulated man...

What is it about this time of the year that seemingly makes people act wacko man or that brings sadness to many…afterall tis the season to be grateful and joyful and all that good stuff. Could it be the pressure to want to please and be pleased. I’ve come to not enjoy Christmas and the entire season as much as I did when I was home. It seems so commercialized and the true meaning of Christmas has been lost in the commercials and sales and decorations and gifts and all that. The debate over use of politically correct season’s greetings last year was the dang that killed the manure for me.

I’ve had to restrain myself from reacting to inconsistencies with some friends I cannot understand flakey people esp. friends and absolutely refuse to be subjected to unbecoming behavior.

Today is only Tuesday and I’ve felt the urge on at least two occasions to knock the living daylights out of two extremely rude men. Why do some men think that because they’ve seen a lady who seemingly is catching to the eye they can walk up to her and say all sorts of crazy shit. Why do some dudes think that by holding their bloody manhood or boyhood in this case or licking their ashy lips suggestively, would make any female juices flow…yak. On the contrary man…I can’t get with you, move your disgusting mass bloody on. Ok why am I getting angry about this all over again.

This past weekend I found myself in the nations capital, Washington, DC, attending the Careers in Africa Summit. I’ve no words to describe the insinuated promises that made me buy a last minute air ticket and make seemingly exorbitant hotel reservations oh and did I mention miss a day of work...all for seeking plans for a better future. I think we, well let me say I for I cannot represent those who verbalized this sentiment…I think a dream I was sold and a dream I bought. I’m not saying that SOME of the companies that the organizers claimed to be present were not, neither am I saying that the ORGANIZERS did not present themselves to welcome us to the summit or that we almost felt that we were at a meat market all vying for the same thigh and and…I’m whining, at least I landed two interviews…better success next time Q.
The best part of this trip for me was meeting up with friends. My soul friend lives in DC and she and I have numerous silent conversations. We she the nyaaaaaaaamiest hugs ever man. We can sit in a room in total silence and be ok with and by the energy that transpires between us. It was great seeing her and all whom I saw. Twas fun to let loose and dance Saturday night away.

The other day I found myself at a store shopping for a friends birthday gift. The lady in front of me at the cash register was a foreigner and had loads of stuff on her shopping cart. I was struck by the conversation that ensued when she presented her passport as a form of ID. The manager at the cash registered was baffled as to why and how she would think that her passport was an acceptable form of identification presented with her cheque aka check payment. She on the other hand was miffed that he wasn’t able to recognize her passport as a form of ID. As an observer I was disgusted by his ignorance and that of the store as a whole. How in the world can you turn away a customer, whose purchase was a total of over $300 because “you don’t have a valid ID.” SHOCK was written all over my face man. The manager called other colleagues who confirmed that “you definitely can’t accept that.” OMG then theeeeeeeeen after the lady leaves the store with a promise of returning back with cash or debit card, the manager dares talk to me, Q, about the ignorance of some foreigners…uwiiiiiiiiiiiiii I think I didn’t believe it when I walked out of the store with my purchase in hand. I told him as calmly as my being would allow me that I think that the store should be ashamed that they are turning away $$ because of their seeming ignorance to the rest of the free world…a passport can be and is a valid form of ID…the US doesn’t issue a state ID to every tourist that sets foot on these soils. So what, you don’t accept $$ from tourists who are bringing revenue to your nation…argh. And I do understand that they can easily be conned by use of passports which may not easily be traced but the same could happen in the case of a US stolen identity etc…I’m done…

My mind feels like my words on this page appear. I’m all skatty today. I’ve finally finished and handed in my paper that was due a week ago…very unlike me to be late on school assignments…oh well.

I keep putting my health on hold and I don’t know what the fear is. I need to convince myself that I need to follow-up on my lump and that all will work out well like it did the last time. I’m riddled with nightmares of my demise. My dad called me this morning coz he’s been worried about me and he had a dream that I had passed on to the land of the living dead. Fear is a factor that I cannot afford to hold on to…away with you fear!

I’ve been told that I’m sexual and or sensual. I’ve never understood what this means but I think it’s finally seeping in…my body has a way of talking to men and attracting them to me. I don’t think I do anything consciously. In fact, I believe it’s the innocence of it that is seemingly alluring to men. Now that I know this I need to find a way of stopping the effect so that I don’t attract…does all this make sense…it does to me!

I’m feeling out of life…I need to plug in to some great music and good company and expanse of ocean and simply be and rejuvenate man…I think I’m going to take a sabbatical on my upcoming two week vacation…maybe be away from everything and everyone and find company in self…hmmmmmmmm I like that thought!

Ray of light…my little five year old cousin is coming to spend the weekend. She is the joy of my life and never fails in making appreciate the innocence of life. She takes me back to my childhood and brings back memories of genuine love. She is full of questions that help keep my mind going. She brings laughter to my being and love to my soul and I can’t wait to get to her level and talk and play with her…we can play with Dora and Barbie and princess and watch the Disney channel and watch Finding Nemo, Sound of Music (ok okaaaaaaaaay this I must confess is my favorite movie). If it rains we may go out and play in the rain…shhhhhhhh don’t tell her mom. I may not need rejuvenation after the weekend.