There’s nothing wrong with being content…

BUT, after having an amazing brain storming conversation with someone I respect, I realize and confirm that there is something wrong with (me) being content. I regard the state of being content as one being satisfied with the level of his/her life…social, economic, family, intellectual status. The aforementioned therefore making that individual, in my opinion, one who looks out for self and not the universe at large. In the ‘perfect’ universe, this can be tricky especially if you aspire to be all that you can be, while lending a hand to the next individual.

I would be somewhat displeased with myself if I was content. I think perhaps maybe I push myself too hard or criticize myself harshly. This is necessary, in my minds eye, so that I can strive to be better than mediocre. My being has to be agitated into striving for more, constantly. The sky cannot and should not be the limit…one has to soar and even tread on grounds never travelled before.

Contentment is not for me. That does not equate to me being eternally unhappy/dissatisfied, it however, for me, means that I always have something that is challenging my capabilities. My existence can not resign to simply being content…it seems like the process of giving up on life as a whole starts to set in when this contentment settles in my being.

I may be totally wrong in how I regard this loose phrase…”I am content.” I do understand that one can be content with specific areas of ones life while not looking at the whole. I am aware that perfectionism does not exist for any being, human being, might I add. In the attempt at living my life to the best of my ability, I will strive never to be content as this will mean something totally different for me than it may to the masses. I want to have more in the way I interact with others, in the way that I evolve from one phase of life to another, in the way that I contribute my abilities and capabilities to better the world....I want more out of oh so many experiences.

With those aspirations, contentment for me is not an option.

28 Stories of Aids in Africa

GRAB yourself a copy of this MUST READ book. Stephanie Nolen out-did herself in delving into the hearts of the characters and capturing the essence of a life lived by those afflicted/affected by this disease. I morphed into a child in the night, after lights out, under the covers devouring every page of this superbly written book. The stories are not only amazing, but one can relate to the lives in an almost tangible way. The author did a marvelous job in capturing each individual life and making the reader want to reach into the depths of the pages and hug the characters.


Ok, maybe I’m simply excited about the hope for HIV/AIDS in Africa. I now believe that this is the calling I’ve been running away from. I’ve been passionate about HIV/AIDS for as long as I can remember. My heart especially goes out to the orphans who unbeknown to them, have been thrown into unfathomable lives. The courage with which they continue to survive above the odds is awesome and inspiring. I pray that I can garner courage to begin to work in this arena….I owe it to my being to allow myself to put my capabilities at work, for the good of mankind, so help me God!

Learn more, if you will…
www.28stories.com

Loss...

I know it’s been a while since I was here but I needed to find an avenue to vent and still remaining anonymous lol….I know that’s relative.
Anyhoo, so a lot has been going on in my life. I finally admitted that I was in love with him and we are now one. We were pregnant and it was the best feeling for four months. The morning sickness ALL DAY was a little price to pay for the prospect of the being to come and I was utterly and totally glowing in that moment. There were a few incidences throughout the pregnancy that my Dr. managed to convince me were ‘nothing to worry about.’ And after seeking a second and a third opinion I was totally convinced and embraced every waking day with its challenge(s). It was BLISS.
One day I woke up with a sharp unrelenting pain and knew in my heart of hearts that this was the day that I would be forced to say goodbye to my munchkin. I was calm through the process and the storm passed over, leaving plenty of damage…nothing visible to the untrained eye.
The healing begun and is on-going. I was fortunate to be with family and the support was mind blowing. This came to an end and I was forced to sit alone with my feelings and deal. Tough pill to swallow! Each day is a challenge, uniquely so. I dread text messages or phone calls from people who are just now finding out, almost two months after the fact. I can be having a normal happy day and one of those infiltrates my atmosphere…completely shuttering what I have worked so hard to consciously achieve in a day. I am learning not to be angry with people and not to blame and to allow myself to embrace each and every emotion that this loss elicits within me.
In my learning I have baffling questions and concerns about human nature. I don’t understand some of the comments floating around. I refuse to understand the zeal that people have in spreading news about what happened to me. I also refuse to accommodate the negative comments that some have expressed. I weep for myself a lot lately….along with that my soul weeps for human nature.
I want to comprehend relational matters. How is it that friends choose to stay away, or worse still not talk about my miscarriage with me. Has society made it ok for the grapevine to be the source of comprehension? I will eventually get over friendships and learn to draw from within. Is this what life is meant to be…leave you alone when you are at your lowest.
Thank God for family!

Seeking Peace…

The last few weeks have unraveled for most of us with almost unbelievable dreamlike disbelief. I was glued to the press and world wide web on unfolding events in my beloved Kenya. A debilitating quagmire of uncertainty took over my being and I had to focus and regroup and most importantly pray. At some point I realized that I was praying in anger and thus was blocking the fulfillment of the very thing that I was praying for, PEACE.

Now I sit back and I’ve removed myself from overly absorbing and reading and re-reading and watching the media. This action is not because I could care less about the state of affairs, but rather because I realized that in order to assist and support and pray and give of self I had to be free of the anger that was being solicited by the masses. I am still in disbelief that ‘our leaders’ are/were willing to bring the very people that they claim to want to lead to such peril…

I am of the conviction that after all this madness settles, we (Kenyans in general) should each take time to look into our deepest of hearts and unravel our source(s) of anger, hatred or whatever negative emotions came to the surface. We need peace and reconciliation but this, in my humble opinion, can be achieved with honest dialogue and cleansing and eventually appropriate closure. There’s been violence of all kinds and we must come to terms with the apparent tribalism that is tearing the nation apart…
Rant…for some reason I am of the belief that there are those who are inherently violent or lascivious or whatever the case. They have taken advantage of the mayhem that the elections brought and destroyed property, killed, raped, not because of any political or tribal affiliation but simply because it is innate for them to act in their ‘anomalism’…this has been their scapegoat and a stop needs to be put to their madness…ok done propagating my opinion!

I am in search of inspiring, gripping peace within me and for the rest of Kenya. This not to say that all should be swept under the rug but rather that each person should be consciously deliberate about their actions and have ultimate understanding about their action or inaction so that we live in harmony.
My heart goes out to ALL who have suffered in this mayhem. I pray for continued blessings for Kenya and Kenyans at large.

These almost always make me speechless...

Absolutely GORGEOUS…who’d believe me if I said that the last scrumptious image wreaked havoc in my life in the spring. This bush, outside my building, gave me the hibby jibby sneezes, runny nose, itchy eyes, scratchy throat for over a month! One day minding my own, walking home from work I saw this gorgeous ball of pink…could it be that my arch enemy had morphed into this oh so yummy bundle…

One of my fave things to receive and or give is flowers. I almost always have a bouquet in my apartment…this year I vowed to buy myself fresh flowers every fortnight. Below are some of my fave arrangements…I don’t know if the photos capture the joy the bouquets brought to my being….

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaack...

I've been away but i'm back...I think. The last few months have been a roller coaster ride of sorts, one that I wouldn't sentence even my worst enemy to. Memories are ebbing away now and days are looking brighter...

I finally did it...

For as long as I’ve known me, I’ve never held a said hair-do/style for over 6months, and that's pushing it. I like change and oft times, unconventional dos. For over two years now, I’ve been debating on whether I shld go bald or not and I DID IT! I look absolutely scrumptious, or so I tell myself.
I shaved my hair off...no one died and I wasn’t forced by tradition to shave. No, I did not have a heart-break and saw no other way but to loose my hair to show my deep-seeded love. I just went, spoke to barber, cut, cut some more ‘are you sure he asked?’ yes, lower I said.
I reckon my ma's gonna shit rocks when she sees me but she'll get over it. She used to yank at my locks years past. My dad was rather concerned and asked my siblings "doesn't Q want to be a lady?" HAHA, SHOCK unto them!
I’m convinced most anyone can wear the bald look…do it with confidence and refined elegance and all will be peachy. OMG it’s delicious. Showers are loads of fun. And then it’s been raining this week so my joy for playing in the rain has elevated to another level…and don’t start me on swimming….WOLOLO!!!
TEE HEE I’ve been told that my sex appeal has sky rocketed, approached another level…yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! In my humble opinion my confidence supersedes sex appeal but what do I know. I see guys watching me with awe, ooooooogling if I may say…haha, yes I dared and uttered those words. It’s amazing the things that certain people are attracted to.
Ladies, if you are ever debating on going short/bald do it and enjoy every minute of it, tis BLISS!!!
Have a fab wknd y’all!